The Hormones are Coming, the Hormones are Coming!

Quick…run! Take cover! Now!

*The part of Suzanne will be played today by a big ugly hormonal monster that nobody loves and could possibly chew your head off if you’ve forgotten to bring the sacrificial gel coated Midol caplets with you. You brought them right?

Now that you’re here, I do hope you’ve come with a big bag of Guacamole flavored Doritos and um…chocolate. Yes chocolate will do nicely.

Here’s my post today.

My nerves are frazzled. My garage is a mess, my house is a mess, my yard is a mess I didn’t sleep worth a toot last night, and my whole body is cramping as if I were in labor! A dense misty fog accumulated over the bedroom last night as the steam rose from my sleeping, sfitzing, steaming body, creating (help me lord), more laundry.

But you didn’t come here to hear about all of that now did you?

Friendly advice?

Tread lightly. Gently lay the Doritos on the table and step slowly away…very slowly, with your hands where I can see them.

Be nice. (Hugs work in a pinch.)

Appropriate comments that could be left for me if so desired. *I realize some are a stretch of the imagination, but work with me here. (It’s for your own good, really).

1. Sure Suzanne, I’ll do it right now!
2. Yes Suzanne, I’ll help you clean that… right this minute!
3. No Suzanne, you don’t look fat in those pants at all!
4. Yes Suzanne, I think your hair looks better now that you’ve cut off 4 inches…makes you look younger and not at all boy-like!.
5. Great outfit Suzanne, makes you look so thin/young/trendy (insert any flattering adjective here)!
6. Your blog is my favorite blog. I read it every day, and you’re the funniest woman blogger I’ve ever read!
7. I’d be happy to give you a back rub/ foot rub/ head rub…just come here and relax. There, there now, isn’t that better?

Oh…and about that whole April fools thing you might have been planning to get me with today?

Don’t even think about it! Not a good idea, unless of course your day just isn’t complete without a good beating. The consequences could be devastating and could land you in the hospital if you’re not careful!

Did I mention the cramps? I did?

What about the cravings and the overwhelming need to take a nap? (A nap would be awesome right now). Unfortunately…not going to happen.

Alrighty then.

I guess I’m done.

Wasn’t that fun?