Somebody fix the cat a cheeseburger will ya?

Alright! I can’t take it any more! You win, all diets are off. Feed yourself into oblivion dude, because I need some sleep for crying out loud!

My cat is driving me into a state of exhaustion. Ever since I took away his automatic feeder, and started portioning out his dinner into equal rations twice a day, he’s lost his cotton pickin mind!

I first started noticing the strange daze in his eyes and odd behavior during the day. He typically follows me everywhere I go, stopping when I stop, to lay on his back feet straight up in the air like a satiated relative at Thanksgiving. As of late however, he’s taken to tangling himself in my ankles, while I’m walking none the less, to the point of tripping me in my stride.

Then there’s the endless pacing and stalking while we sleep. I’m awakened three and four times a night by loud bangs and crashing sounds coming from the kitchen.

(It’s important that you keep a visual in your mind for the next part of this story, as to the mental and physical condition of my cat. He’s the indoor version, litter box trained, no front claws, no back claws, fixed before puberty, overweight, lazy, lethargic, and sweet as a snuggle bunny. He’s a lap cap by definition preferring to lay at my feet or in my lap while I work, type, sleep, exercise, cook, read, put make up on, brush my teeth, do yoga, do laundry…pretty much anything. He’s afraid of doorbells, unusual sounds, male voices, the wind, flashlights, car rides, plants and basically any new object that comes into the house. He’s never been outside to do anything at all and perfectly fine with that. He wears a purple diamond studded collar that has a tiny jingle bell and our phone number on it just in case he ever gets outside and lost, God forbid.)

Then the unthinkable happened. We came home from our Halloween party, and Rockie was no where to be seen. I searched the entire house, to no avail and no cat. Fear and panic washed over me as I realized he had made a break for it probably while we loaded the car with party food and costume accessories. My naive sheltered house kitty, was lost outside in the great unknown. It was around midnight, dark, and my cat is black…. outside….lost…lots of trees and bushes. Needles and haystacks came to mind, as did cars and the numerous neighborhood bully tomcats that watch him jealously through the kitchen window.

I grabbed a flashlight and swore not to return without the cat. I panicked like a mother with a lost child. I guess hunger and some instinctual catlike behavior drove him outside to hunt for something to eat. There would be no sleeping until we found him.

I did. Two hours later, on the side of the house, hiding under some bushes and scared to death. He smelled like dirt instead of cat shampoo, and looked very relieved to see me. I was torn between hugging him and smacking his bottom.

The final straw though, came even later during my eventual much needed slumber. I guess he just figured Geez lady…what’s it going to take? I was apparently too stupid to notice that he was still hungry and it called for desperate measures. He climbed up on my nightstand next to the bed, and ever so calculating…knocked the glass of ice water over and on to my head. You can imagine what that was like to wake up to, along with the sound of the dropping glass!

His auto feeder is filled to the brim now. Ants be damned. I’m armed with raid, and plan to sleep a lot better tonight.